Tuesday 10 September 2013

A Gift in Season.


About a year ago Tim and I were travelling through the New South Wales countryside wondering what the heck had happened to our lives. We had two kids, a toddler and a baby. And while I'd always wanted to be a mum, I missed the adult conversation, mental stimulation and positive feedback of the academic life. Tim missed having a wife who had interesting dinner (and travel!) conversation. You may have read here that I drew hope from the trees and their seasonal life and started to formulate a quilt to express my reflections. 

Around the same time, I was reading Maureen's story. At the other end of the 'small children' season to me, and on the other side of the world, she was processing difficult news about her health at the same time as sending her youngest off to school. I was discouraged that this season felt so long, she was grieving that it was over so fast. And her story, a reminder of how much a mother's life changes over and over, connected deeply with me.
So I decided to make that quilt for her, stitching away, praying it would be a blessing, terrified of sending my work to someone I admired so, pushing back the voice the told me not to bother. I don't write this to 'big note' myself. I write it because pushing that voice back felt like the main thing I was doing through it all. So when Maureen wrote to me recently and this amazing quilt arrived in the mail and she told me how much it had meant to her, and how perfect the timing had been (it arrived the day she dropped her daughter off at school!), I felt like that little boy, so long ago, who had given his fish and bread to a master chef, and it was used to give a feast to a crowd.



 This beautiful quilt, with the lady that looks like she's waiting for something, and the butterflies fluttering off in freedom, also came right on time for me. Tim and I had found out a couple of months earlier that we were to be officially outnumbered. I have been excited, but if I'm honest, mostly I've been terrified. It feels so ungrateful to say so after losing a little one earlier this year. I'm sure it's partly been hormonal, and partly the result of morning sickness, but also a big old part of me is just scared to go back to that time where I'm constantly tired, working to someone else's rhythm and no longer have life in my control. We'd just hit the stage where Tully could pour milk, butter bread and work the computer. Were we crazy?? 



Yes, I'd say we are, but Maureen's note encouraged me to remember that I don't have to have full brain capacity or energy levels to love people, be inspired, or grow or enjoy the sunshine and the new leaves budding in our yard as I write.
Thank you Maureen!

And then today, seeing that tiny heartbeat, knowing it was made to be loved, loved by me! I could feel those fears start to fade. I know there's a crazy, noisy, experiencing too much 2am, road ahead. But I also hope that 3rd time around, I've learned a little patience and grace to remember that my turn for sleep and ease will come in time, and this precious gift will be a wonderful reward.
Jodi. xx

13 comments:

  1. Congratulations! Blessings on that wee one

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  2. how exciting and yes terrifying all in one! hope you're feeling better soon, morning sickness sucks!

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  3. Congratulations! There is something terrifying about expecting number three, as I know from experience. You do feel a bit like you must be insane to start all over again. However, our number three is an amazing person. Not that the other two aren't, but there is just something magical about the third child. Perhaps it's because we've earned our parenting stripes, and relax a bit more with them, I don't know, but they are worth the craziness!

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  4. congratulations! Three is the magic number - you may be in the minority, but there's something to be said for chaos. I also thought the baby days would never end, but now my youngest is seven and I just don't know where the time went. Enjoy it while it lasts!

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  5. Excited and scared all at once? Seems like a perfectly logical response to me! I'm so delighted for you guys - another addition to your beautiful family is a wonderful gift for all of us who know you too.

    And I love your quilt story! Just amazing what happens when you listen and act on that tugging on your heart.

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  6. How wonderful on both accounts - congratulations for number three - yes I'm just coming out of the "mummy haze" myself! (Mine are 3 and 2) And what a lovely gift from Maureen. I watch her make that quilt through her blog posts ... it just goes to show that there's a lot more to this blogging than meets the eye.

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  7. Oh, I am so excited for you. I have been thinking about you lately. I haven't announced yet on my blog, but I am also expecting in march! I agree that after a loss, it is a little terrifying. I try and put that worry in the back of my mind and am hoping to enjoy the moment and I hope you can too. Congratulations! I am so so happy for you :)

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  8. What a beautiful post. Every thing you write seems to bring me to tears -- here, across the world, I'm with you in that desperate young-children stage, and battling thoughts of "when will we be able to DO things again" daily. Your honesty is a pleasure to read, and I wish you all the best with this pregnancy -- miraculous energy, hopefully! What a lovely story of connecting through quilts, and overcoming that miserable voice of failure-before-you-try, with wonderful results.
    xx

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  9. Congratulations!! As someone who has had a few miscarriages, I understand that feeling when you hear that little heart beating! Sending prayers your way for a healthy baby. Take care.

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  10. I'm so happy to hear that all is well! I can absolutely empathize with your "are we crazy" moments. Going back to "the beginning" of mothering feels both reckless and like getting the very best gift possible. Perhaps the best lives must be lived recklessly.

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  11. Oh, Jodi, Jodi -- so happy for you that I'm crying right now. Isn't it in those moments that we finally let go that God gives us more than we ever dreamed? Every detail of our lives is there on purpose -- I don't believe in accidents of any kind. I can relate to so many of the emotions you're feeling right now, and I will be praying daily for you, my friend.

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  12. This is such a wonderful post, thank you Jodi! I've been thinking of you so much and I hope you're feeling better each day! I had purposely chosen just the 4 butterflies to add to this quilt of yours, but I think you should add one more when you're ready. :)

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I so love your comments! I read all of them and reply when I can. If you don't hear back, I'm lost under a mound of scraps or outside jumping on the trampoline with the kids. Jodi. xx